In March of 2009, just a little over a year ago, I started my first "professional/business attire" job in thirteen years. To clarify, I have worked in movie production all of those years and while my jobs have always been professional, well, let's just say, when you spend most days on set in shorts, every day is casual Friday. But with the new job, came the daunting realization that I would not only have to dress nice, but actually, gulp, tuck in my shirt.
I drove myself to Kmart for a new pair of slacks. Kmart and JC Penny, I have to say have been very good to me these last few years. They really are the only two stores that carry affordable "big men's" clothing and do it with some actual style. I was, up until that day, in total and complete denial about my increasing weight. I knew I was feeling heavier. I knew I was looking heavier in photos (so I just stopped appearing in them) and I knew none of my clothes were fitting. But I also knew I refused to make myself feel bad again and put myself on a diet. I had tortured myself enough with that for years.
So in disbelief with a heavy scent of denial, I bought a pair of slacks with a 48-inch waist. They were snug, but they fit "like they were supposed to". Meaning, I could tuck in my shirt and I wouldn't have that horrible red ring around my waist where the pants had spent the day strangling my body.
If you can imagine it, I still didn't set foot into Jenny Craig for another two months after that day (and a few more pairs of pants). My Jenny Craig journey is another story for another day, but suffice to say, while I lost some weight last year, I also found some weight. I started this year off with the same looming predicament. Since April, I have been on this program and it has been paying off in dividends. Freedom from food addiction. Freedom from bad choices. Freedom from the "big men's" department.
And today, I wanted to share all of this, because as I get ready for my birthday drinks this evening, I have been frustrated lately with the way my clothes have been fitting. While I have taken off 62 pounds since the day in the Kmart dressing room, I still have another 80 to go until I am where I belong. It would be silly to waste money on temporary clothes on my way down (in spite of how many clothes I bought that became temporary on the way up), but last night I was walking through the mall and Old Navy was doing everything short of escorting me into their store with all of their banners for their "Everything is 30% Off Sale".
So I went in thinking, it would be nice to have a pair of jeans that fit. I have been happy in recent months to be back down to a 42. Lately, I have been squeezing into some of my old size 40s. Last night, I grabbed a 40, and still, it was too big. I inhaled and thought, well, it's been about 6 years, but it is worth a shot. I tried on a 38. I couldn't believe it. They fit! Thinking maybe it was just that cut, I grabbed a couple of other pairs. THEY ALL FIT.
I only bought one pair of jeans and a nice pair of linen pants (seriously, you can't believe this sale). I didn't want to overdo it because I don't plan to fit in them for long, The day I hit a 36 will be a monumental day. I haven't been that thin since 1993!
I am going to do it. With confidence. With love. Out of respect for myself. And I just can't wait!
One of the feelings I'm enjoying these days is the empowerment to know that I am doing this. When I began the program, I remember feeling like I was giving over my power to take control of my health and eating to Dr. Rutledge. I knew I had to give it to somebody because I obviously couldn't be trusted with it.
In spite of him saying repeatedly, "I'll commit to you when you're ready to commit to you", I wasn't seeing the forest through the trees. I was just seeing a really strong tree in front of me that was helping me hold up my overweight branches.
But he was right. While he was my crutch to get me to commit and begin my healing (for I do now fully believe that to go on a diet is not to punish or restrict, but to heal and mend the poor choices and ways you've disregarded your body), I was the one doing the healing work.
Imagine breaking your leg. The doctor comes in and aligns your bones and sets it into a cast. He also gives you a pair of crutches. For the next six to eight weeks you will be in contact with that doctor as he monitors your healing and your progress. But does he "fix" your broken bone? Of course not. You do. By being gentle with yourself. Taking your time. Listening to your body and what it needs, not what it wants. And as your leg mends, the doctor continues to push you and encourage you with exercises to regain your strength. But is your doctor the one walking on the treadmill and eventually running to make it strong? No, it's you. It's all up to you.
He's not a shoe repairman that you take your broken heel to and say, "call me when it's ready". This is a process of healing and involves the far-to-often taken-for-granted natural abilities of our bodies.
As I sit here typing this today, I'm overwhelmed at the idea that I am the one responsible for my healing. For making the right choices in the last 52 days that has taken 54 pounds off of my body. Talk about motivation to continue. When you find it within your own heart, you are unstoppable.
None of this is to take away from the invaluable importance of Dr. Rutledge and the BTL program. When you break your leg, you don't just ice it and duct tape a stick to your leg. You get the required and appropriate help from your doctor. He commits to you, that he will do his part to ease the pain and get you realigned, but only after you reached out to him and continually so during the process. It is a collaborative team effort with the work load riding on your own shoulders.
Do you know how empowering it is to know that the work is on my shoulders and that I don't need to depend on the doctor or anyone else to make better choices for myself?
I still have 82 pounds to go, but I've never known such confidence that it is only a matter of time until I get there. I now fully understand what it means to commit to myself and I am thankful to have the doctor and this program just as committed to my recovery.
I never thought I would hear my self say these words, but I am actually enjoying the process of losing weight. We all love the concept of losing weight and we all love the part where our clothes fit and we like what we see in the mirror. But how often do you find yourself saying, "this is fun restricting my calories and depriving myself of that bag of chips"? I realize depriving may be a strong word, but that's what it feels like when in these situations because it is never fun dieting. If it was, we wouldn't be in this situation!
That being said, I am at 298 pounds. I am, for the first time in nearly four years, under 300 pounds. More importantly, I am 49 pounds lighter than I was a year ago and I am feeling it. What I am not feeling is crazy, deprived, starving, stressed out or mad at myself for having gotten so fat. This is huge, especially that last one. And I wouldn't be able to feel that if I weren't so suddenly confident that I am getting fully in control of my adult food and weight issues.
After a full month of being on the program (and a total loss of 39 pounds in said time), I wanted to share a new recipe that I tried today. It is still a little rough around the edges, so there is room for improvement, but it is definitely close!
Inspired by a Frisee salad I saw in a magazine, I created a mustard dressing inspired by one of my personal favorites, Honey Mustard. Since we obviously can't use honey, I used a dropper of stevia. It is NOT the same, but it definitely works for something new on the palette.
Dressing (in my Cooks 5-In-1 of course):
2 TBL Yellow Mustard
1 Garlic clove
1 dropper of Stevia (I used liquid, but I am sure you could use one packet dry)
Salt
Pepper
2 TBL water (optional depending on your love for mustard and spice)
1 dash cinnamon
I tossed the dressing over shredded lettuce (I am sure it would work great on shredded cabbage or another lettuce of your choice as well including fresh spinach). I then added one serving of egg white on top. Now let me share with you my trick that I finally came up with for cooking good egg whites in the absence of a shell or oil.
I take a small ramekin and place it on my scale and pour in exactly 100grams of egg whites (I found brands of egg whites at Trader Joe's and Whole Foods that have no fillers in them. Be sure and check the ingredients on the egg whites if you decide not to crack them yourself). Then in a small pot, I add about 3/4 of an inch of water (make sure it is well below the lip of your ramekin so that it doesn't boil into the ramekin once it gets cooking (another mistake learned)). I then put on the lid and leave them on the stove over a medium flame until the egg whites are cooked all the way through (it does take 10 to 15 minutes since you want to slow cook them, very different than frying an egg).
I am happy to say I have perfected them this way and they are a good protein that really sticks with you for the afternoon. And over the mustard salad... perfection! Let me know if you try it and if you make any changes!
Today is my official Day 20. If you thought I was being creative on the first week with my limited vegetable options, imagine how I am feeling today!
To avoid another afternoon of spinach or cucumbers, I decided to give kale a try. There was a great kale salad I made right before I started the program (what, you thought I didn't eat healthy before I started? No, I ate healthy. I also ate fried foods and sauces and cheeses. I ate EVERYTHING!). The salad I had made before was inspired by one my vegetarian friend and chef had suggested and another I had enjoyed from the deli of Whole Foods.
 |
| photo courtesy |
It was simple. I kept the kale raw and marinated it in some olive oil, lemon juice, salt and pepper and tossed it with some fresh chopped *apples and a small bag of tropical dried fruit. Because kale is such a sturdy leaf, it doesn't wilt like lettuce, which typically doesn't keep beyond its initial serving once it's been tossed. But with Kale, I tossed it and stuck it in a large zip lock bag, which after about 2 days was perfect and only got better FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK. So once you find yourself reunited with olive oil and dried fruit, I suggest giving that one a try. The sweet from the fruit cuts the slight bitterness of the kale and you'll feel good knowing you are getting its full nutrients (which they say is one of the best leafy greens for you).
That being said, I decided to come up with something kale related while on BTL and I'm ready to share my first experience.
For starters, I steamed the kale this time (although I am thinking next time I may try the marinated version. Just like with spinach, I think I prefer the raw crunch to the soggy steamed). While the kale was steaming, I got out my Cooks 5-in-1 (the more common version is the Magic Bullet and I will say magic is right, this thing has saved me on this program) and threw in the ingredients from Teri's BTL Salad Dressing:
The juice of one lemon
A splash of red wine vinegar
A splash of water
Sea Salt
and then because I had it, I threw in some fresh basil leaves and 2 stevia packets (similar in size to a Sweet N Low packet). Then I whipped it till it was frothy. Drained the leaves (even though they were steamed and not boiled, the leaves collected a lot of water). Once drained, I tossed it in the dressing.
This is one incredibly hardy vegetable! For those still looking to satisfy your oral cravings, imagine being lead out to the field and spending the afternoon chewing grass. That might not sound quite as appealing as I had intended, but imagine for a moment you're a horse. Now doesn't that grass thing seem appealing?
The stems remind me of chewing on a broccoli spear, the texture has a crisp chewiness (not in a bad way, but more of a really put your mouth to work way, which that first week of BTL would've been great!) and refreshingly fragrant thanks to all of the basil.
I will say, you won't need that much, but if you are still breaking through the psychology of "I only get this one meal, so I am going to stuff it with as much as possible", then make a whole pot. But believe me, you will find it quite satisfying. And because of the many flavor sensations (the tart lemon, the sweetness, the nuttiness of the "broccoli") and the chewing, I'd be surprised if you didn't agree, that this is one "satisfying" vegetable.
*if you are wondering, the apple keeps from browning thanks to the lemon juice!
Tonight was the first time I was able to watch the Jack in the Box commercial for their new grilled cheddar melt thing and didn't taste it in my mouth and spiral into a crazy fit of craving. I haven't gotten to a point where I can actually say it looks disgusting or I am repelled by it, but a lack of interest is a definitive milestone!
Okay, I need you to be open minded with me on this one. This is not anything that has been taught or said to me. These are my own thoughts as I peel away my own layers and reconcile my new and old feelings on dieting and what I knew, what I thought I knew and what I am learning. This is all my opinion and I welcome yours in the comments section.
When God designed us and the magical vessels we reside in (heretofore referred to as our bodies), we lived in shelters, not Beverly Hills mansions or suburban culta sacs. We lived in caves or under branches and twigs (have you seen Survivor?). The springs were plentiful as flowers and fruits bloomed, animals gave birth to their young and we became predators of the land. We were athletic hunters that took what we needed to survive. By Summer we had gorged ourselves and begun packing on the pounds from our harvest. Slowing down for the inevitable chill that loomed in the autumn and winter months. By Winter, the land was barren, the animals, plants trees all in hibernation as the cold elements took over the land. And just like all of the other animals in the kingdom, we too hibernated. Slumbering our way through the cold months. But we didn't die. We didn't starve. Our bodies (the magic vessels that they are) found their energy in the abundance of our spring and winter. We stayed calm and didn't over exert or spend more than we had, but again, we survived.
In our modern world, we have reversed the organic schedule of life. We begin each January begin thinking of bikinis and summer. We make resolutions that always include the words "lose weight". Immediately, like a salmon swimming up stream, we find ourselves trying to lose weight from Spring through September, the very months our bodies are programmed to gain. Then comes winter. Our most decadent modern months. The months we are supposed to be still and living off of our fat storage. Instead, we are cozy and warm and begin consuming candy in October, gorging ourselves in November and their are few words to describe the endless onslaught of holiday treats, meals and jolly abundance.
Before you know it, we have packed on more than we should and right as we think it is time to start losing, our bodies find themselves in January ready to begin storing, right as we decide it is time to take it off.
It is a vicious cycle and one that we need to learn to be more aware of.
What do you think?