In March of 2009, just a little over a year ago, I started my first "professional/business attire" job in thirteen years. To clarify, I have worked in movie production all of those years and while my jobs have always been professional, well, let's just say, when you spend most days on set in shorts, every day is casual Friday. But with the new job, came the daunting realization that I would not only have to dress nice, but actually, gulp, tuck in my shirt.
I drove myself to Kmart for a new pair of slacks. Kmart and JC Penny, I have to say have been very good to me these last few years. They really are the only two stores that carry affordable "big men's" clothing and do it with some actual style. I was, up until that day, in total and complete denial about my increasing weight. I knew I was feeling heavier. I knew I was looking heavier in photos (so I just stopped appearing in them) and I knew none of my clothes were fitting. But I also knew I refused to make myself feel bad again and put myself on a diet. I had tortured myself enough with that for years.
So in disbelief with a heavy scent of denial, I bought a pair of slacks with a 48-inch waist. They were snug, but they fit "like they were supposed to". Meaning, I could tuck in my shirt and I wouldn't have that horrible red ring around my waist where the pants had spent the day strangling my body.
If you can imagine it, I still didn't set foot into Jenny Craig for another two months after that day (and a few more pairs of pants). My Jenny Craig journey is another story for another day, but suffice to say, while I lost some weight last year, I also found some weight. I started this year off with the same looming predicament. Since April, I have been on this program and it has been paying off in dividends. Freedom from food addiction. Freedom from bad choices. Freedom from the "big men's" department.
And today, I wanted to share all of this, because as I get ready for my birthday drinks this evening, I have been frustrated lately with the way my clothes have been fitting. While I have taken off 62 pounds since the day in the Kmart dressing room, I still have another 80 to go until I am where I belong. It would be silly to waste money on temporary clothes on my way down (in spite of how many clothes I bought that became temporary on the way up), but last night I was walking through the mall and Old Navy was doing everything short of escorting me into their store with all of their banners for their "Everything is 30% Off Sale".
So I went in thinking, it would be nice to have a pair of jeans that fit. I have been happy in recent months to be back down to a 42. Lately, I have been squeezing into some of my old size 40s. Last night, I grabbed a 40, and still, it was too big. I inhaled and thought, well, it's been about 6 years, but it is worth a shot. I tried on a 38. I couldn't believe it. They fit! Thinking maybe it was just that cut, I grabbed a couple of other pairs. THEY ALL FIT.
I only bought one pair of jeans and a nice pair of linen pants (seriously, you can't believe this sale). I didn't want to overdo it because I don't plan to fit in them for long, The day I hit a 36 will be a monumental day. I haven't been that thin since 1993!
I am going to do it. With confidence. With love. Out of respect for myself. And I just can't wait!